State of the State of the State of the

For the eight years I lived in Boston, I always tried to engage in the community however I could, volunteered at places that were making it better, campaigned for a couple of days for the guy who became their first black governor (I could've done more but his office was located on an inconvenient subway line), booed the Yankees, got outside the tourist areas and saw a little bit about how the people who actually live in the city actually live in the city. But that was it. I'd make resolutions about how I was going to wake up and read the Globe and engage with this place where I was living and figure it all out and then I'd wake up and buy the Globe and my eyes would cataract and I'd skip to the sports section and what do I care about the Bruins and let's get online and see how the Wings did.

It's not good, the disconnect. If my brother was dying I'd break down walls to get to him. If my friend's brother was dying I'd open every door. But then I read online about some kid in Ohio dying and damn, that really sucks, and I'm clicking Ashley's 200 pictures from her trip to Las Vegas and you'll never believe it but she posed in front of that casino and that casino and that casino and she is cute, isn't she cute, you have to admit that she's cute, and I've heard so much about those Vegas buffets, I'm hungry, I should've copped those 7-Eleven nachos when I had the chance.

Now I'm back in Michigan and I'm ready to get my act together, I'm ready to put some roots down, improve something for somebody, make a home and tend the lawn (until I make enough money to pay someone to tend the lawn) and start popping out kids like it's nine months after Las Vegas. And tonight was Governor Snyder's first State of the State address and I watched it, the whole thing (well, I had to piss midway through and I zoned out a bit toward the end but I was physically present for the huge majority of it. And I would have gone back and watched the stuff I missed but my house doesn't have DVR, what century are we living in, I think Sir Edwardo Comcast must have installed our box himself via candlelight.)

Breaking news: Snyder says Snyder is going to create jobs. Have you heard that we're lacking jobs? We are. But Snyder is going to create them. By measuring how many we have. "We will measure and measure and measure--and that is how we will succeed" (loose quote, I don't have DVR.) You hear that, children of the Michigan diaspora? We're going to start measuring. Please be home by Easter to collect your job.

The best part of viewing the State of the State was watching the new Lieutenant Governor sit awkwardly in the throne directly behind the Governor at the podium and stare up smilingly at the back of Snyder's domepiece. It was probably the biggest professional day of the guy's life so far and he's still basically embedded on his boss's backside. A good lesson for all of us: don't let your job define you, it's not your fault if you look funny back there.

Actually, the best part was when the PBS host was narrating the Governor's family's entrance into the chamber and said something like, "There's Snyder's twentysomething son--he's... looking for work." Even the Governor's son is unemployed! We're all in this together! I bet he wishes his dad were a Democrat, a Democrat definitely would've scrounged up some kind of paycheck for his kid somewhere in some Lansing agency.

The worst part, as with all of these speeches, is the constant fake clapping and the endless standing ovations about nothing.

"You know, my predecessors felt that burning old people for fuel would be a great way to boost revenue, but, you know what, in my administration, that simply won't be an option." [Crazy applause/standing ovation.] "As a matter of fact, I won't allow even the oldest of the old people to be converted into fuel." [Three euphoric senators faint like the front row of a Drake show/standing ovation.] "That's just me, that's the kind of person I am: I won't tolerate your grandparents being burned for fuel!" [Crowd reacts like Joe Dumars finally traded Rip Hamilton/standing ovation.]

This isn't a phenomenon limited to the television viewer. I attended a few of these speeches in Boston and it feels just as stupid when you're there, standing up and down as fruitlessly as me back in the day at high school dances: "New song, might stand up and see what's going on, nice little song we got here, what's happening, might just nod my head a little bit, see where that leads, might sway my knees a little bit here, yep, here we are, at the dance, this song sucks, why did I ever like this song... oh, look, a chair!"

Who are they standing up for and why? The viewers are bored and anxious. The Governor knows he didn't just become a Dr. King-like oratorical genius. The congresspeople aren't used to working this late and they're all tuckered out. So why do we insist on all this antiquated and superficial nonsense? Rick needs to get to the hard parts: measuring our way out of this mess and finding his son some work. And I'm as confused about what we should be doing as ever, but at least I invested an hour. I haven't watched that much PBS since I stopped gambling with friends about how much people's stuff would be worth on "Antiques Roadshow." I guess I'm older now.